I don’t owe tumblr an explanation but I do want to say something.
Sadly things ended with someone I was (and we both still are) in love with. I had some great few months with someone I knew was amazing for me. I will forever hold that person dearly in my heart and wish for all the joy and happiness they are to find in their future.
But I did realize, you can be in love with someone, care for them and want what’s best, but you don’t always end up with them (romantically or romantically for a long time). This is not the first time I have experienced this. But I did learn that it takes us one step closer to our forever person. I had honestly removed myself and forgotten about dating with the intention of finding THAT person. It’s funny because that’s how I was always taught to take in dating but I chose to date with the intention of whom I liked/loved at the moment. I haven’t been in an abundant amount of relationships but yes, have dated.
At the end of it all, the end of a relationship is never easy and I already know the bummer feelings to come. But what I did instead was turn to God. I am emotionally exhausted. I have fought for people who haven’t fought for me, I have loved hard thinking it would be enough, and I have gave my heart thinking it was for the best. Through out this, it is still hard for me to grasp why sometimes love isn’t enough; why I always think working at a relationship will make it all okay.
I’ve been fortunate enough to experience end-of-relationships with a cause of things that were out of my control or simply because it wasn’t the right time. Even writing that now, years/months later kills me, but I guess I’m closer to being grateful.
This last person I was with, made me see that that’s the kind of person I have been wanting since I was a little girl. So sweet, kind, caring, hilarious, handsome, selfless, encouraging and intelligent. He will forever be amazing in my eyes. And I feel fortunate that I got to be a part of his life (and him of mine) for the time allowed. And this is what I’m thinking (take it as you will): this is a person I somehow searched for and was fortunate enough to have him love me back and be with me. BUT imagine the MOST perfect person for me, chosen by the creator who created them, waiting to be with me (and I for them). If it wasn’t for this last relationship, my mind would probably have not shifted back into this mindset of letting God guide my life and allow me to grow in Him.
It’s still early on, I know I’m hurting, but I can’t change anything. This was sadly meant to happen and I will realize in the future we were probably better off separate.
I am delving into God and letting him guide my life; because I have been trying to control my life for too long. You might say, “Now that your down and out, you’re choosing to run to Him?” My response is heck yeah! And when times are good, I run to Him too. But I feel it is finally THAT season in my life. I know I am old enough and (surprisingly as many people have told me this last month) have matured; this is the season that will change me. These upcoming days, months, semesters, year: this season I’m clinging on to God and fully trusting Him. It’s terrifying but exciting. I trust God will guide me for what’s best for me. I hope to become things and become like people that I know are passionate for Him and want to relay his love and happiness He provides.
God I pray for everyone to find your peace, joy, happiness and understanding. You are in control. Thank you for keeping on loving us <3
Man, this is a long post no? Haha. But I’ve always been better with writing my feelings I guess. So for whoever reads this, you really don’t have to take anything from it but I do hope you see there is peace that is attainable after the storm. There is happiness to be had even after the one you had has ended! There is love to be sought for your being and to be able to spread it to those you love. There is better for you. There is always better :)